Building Self-Compassion
Many people in the United States, and probably many in the western world, struggle with an inner voice of self-criticism and self-judgement. This negative inner voice may have developed for purposes of evolution or during childhood as a means to keep us safe. But as adults, that voice no longer serves us and is actually damaging, as it sets off a subtle yet constant fight-or-flight stress response.
I came upon the work of Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, two researchers who are studying the benefits of self-compassion, through an online course by Kelly McGonigal called “The Neuroscience of Change.” McGonigal has found that people who do the exercise below are more successful in reaching their goals. We usually think that we have to be hard on ourselves to achieve our goals, but the study she presents says otherwise. Do you have a goal that you’d like to meet? Or a change you’d like to make in your life? Try this activity once a week or more for a period of a month, and see if you feel different. McGonigal states that even if people felt that they were “faking it” when they did the activity, the benefits were the same.
Choose one thing that is going on in your life today that is creating stress and suffering.
Write down an understanding of what you are feeling as a letter to yourself. You do not need to describe the whole story, just your thoughts and feelings.
Acknowledge the desire or need that is underneath the pain or suffering.
Acknowledge what you might be longing for to meet that desire or need.
Within the letter, offer yourself a message of common humanity. What would you say to remind yourself that this connects you to all humanity?
Offer yourself some self-guidance, self-kindness, encouragement or support. It might help to imagine your future self offering your present self wisdom and love.
Read the letter back to yourself silently or aloud, or have a friend read it to you.
If this activity doesn’t resonate with you, but you want to practice self-compassion, visit Kristen Neff’s website, self-compassion.org, for other ideas as well as her 10-week training course, which I attended in 2018.