Reflections: From a week-long silent retreat

It’s 5:45am and I hear the wake up bell ringing. I’ve already been up for 20 minutes and am in the dining room making a cup of coffee (yes, that’s right - coffee!). It’s a cool summer morning in Northern California and the sun hasn’t made it around the hillside into our little valley where the retreat center is tucked. It’s less than a half mile to the highway, but because we are protected by tall hills, it is very quiet. The birds sing and the family of turkeys that live on the land are still up in their roost but can be heard clucking and waking up along with us meditators.

It’s the first day of a week-long silent meditation retreat at the legendary Spirit Rock Retreat center outside of San Francisco. I’m here for a week with the also legendary Phillip Moffit and his two long-time students and co-teachers, Tuere Sala and Dana DaPalma. Yesterday evening, following dinner, we met and took our oath of silence - Noble silence - as it’s called in the Buddhist tradition. We vow to refrain from speaking unnecessarily for the remainder of the week.

Later in the morning of the first day, those of us willing to do so will turn in our cell phones in a “renunciation ceremony”. Other retreats I have been to are less accommodating and more rigid in this renunciation - one retreat took both our cell phones and our car keys away, for example. If the thought of this makes you question your ability to participate in a silent retreat, you are not alone.

Other restraints are typical of a silent vipassana retreat including no writing or reading. This particular retreat, I later learn, is a bit more loose, allowing writing even in the meditation hall during instructional talks.

For many people, the thought of not speaking, not reading or writing, not having any contact with the outside world for seven days might not be appealing in the least or create feelings of dread or anxiety in others. For me, an introvert who spends much of her professional and personal life outwardly oriented, who has a hard time saying no to almost any invitation or opportunity, this time of disciplined stillness and quiet is refreshing.

The first evening of the retreat, we were guided through our first meditation. I was introduced to Phillip’s “Three A’s”: Arriving, Aligning, and Available. These were to be repeated at the beginning of each guided meditation so I would come to know them well. These are cornerstones of his teaching. Simple and yet incredibly powerful practices that could be applied not just to meditation, but to a general practice of daily mindfulness as a check in.

First, you arrive in this moment. “Where? Here. When? Now.” Phillip says. I spend so much of my time in my head time traveling - planning and fantasizing and creating for the future - or sometimes contemplating events from the past - this Arriving is freedom, when I can truly practice it. To arrive to the present moment, just as it is, not as it’s supposed to be or as I wish it were.

Continuing, Phillip invites us to Align. I came to ask myself the questions “What is inspiring me to be here in my practice today, in this moment?” or “What is my intention?” Or sometimes, “Why do I meditate?” At Phillips suggestion, I would just wait to see what came to me each day and as I settled on something, I could feel that the reminder gave my practice purpose and focused me. I could return to it during my sit if I lost track of why I was there or felt discouraged. I aligned with a greater purpose and it inspired me.

Finally, Phillip asked us if we were available. By this, he explained that it could be “Are you available to the teachings (the dhamma in Buddhism)?” But it also could be an invitation to be curious and open, to remain inquisitive and interested. Sometimes, he explained, the answer is no. But sometimes, even if the answer is no, it creates an opening that wasn’t there before, or creates a shift in that direction. And over time, one may find that the answer, more and more is yes.

Each day, the teachings of one day built on the one before but this practice of the the three A’s was there laying the foundation for each meditation. Repetition is not necessarily a bad thing. If we stay in tune, we find that each sit is a little different, that we might hear an instruction in a new way or find out something new about ourselves or our practice.

Anyone who has attended a multi-day retreat knows that each day or even each sitting period can be completely unique. For me, as per usual, i found my concentration best in the first two sits of the day - one silent and one guided - and it was best on about day three or four. But largely, the distractions and day dreams and problem solving and creative thoughts would interrupt the flow toward the object of meditation.

I came to have equanimity toward my distracted mind. To be more patient. On the closing day, Phillip said “Expectation is the enemy of the possible.” I loosened my expectation on myself to have a completely focused concentration and allowed the flow to go in and out, taking an interest in the patterns of mental content but not attaching to them quite as much.

I think back now the “beginning of the beginning” (Phillip’s words) of the retreat, that first morning - the quiet morning and the first sips of mediocre retreat center coffee - listening to the “wake up bell” and I can sense and feel now a shift within me. A little quieter, a little more centered, a little more at ease within myself.

I am arriving.

I am aligned.

I am available.